Seeking First, Again

Lately, I've been thinking about how much my context has changed.A decade ago, I was deeply religious. And in those spaces, you’re often taught to deny yourself. That phrase can mean many things, but in Western evangelical Christianity, it usually translates to denying your desires, your dreams, your body. In other words, abandoning yourself for the mission of God, the kingdom of God, and what He has for you.And I did that.If I had to put it in percentages, I’d say back then my spiritual life made up about 95% of everything. What I thought about. What I prayed about. What I cared about. How I spent my time. My identity revolved almost entirely around God, church, and ministry.My material life barely registered.Not only did I not pay attention to it, I genuinely believed it was wrong to. I lived well below the poverty line, largely because I thought caring about material things was unspiritual. I wasn’t always explicitly told that, though sometimes I was, but it was implied everywhere. The material didn’t matter. Until it came time to tithe. Then, of course, it mattered. But that’s not the point of this reflection.What I’ve been noticing lately is how healing often works like a pendulum. In our search for wholeness, we usually swing hard from one extreme to the other before we find balance.And I think that’s exactly what’s happening to me.Today, it feels like the tables have completely turned. I’d say 95% of my energy now goes toward building a material life. Building security. Building income. Building something sustainable and prosperous. And I don’t want to demonize that. There’s something deeply redemptive about even being able to want this. About reclaiming parts of myself I once thought were sinful.But I’ve started to notice a pattern in my thinking.If I can just build this life.If I can just get the house.If I can just create passive income.If I can just reach that level of stability.Then I’ll finally have the spiritual life I want.Then I’ll be on the farm.Then I’ll pray more.Then I’ll be more present.Then I’ll connect more deeply with God, with myself, with my wife, with my friends.It’s like I’ve convinced myself that once the material work is done, the spiritual life will finally be unlocked.And lately, I’ve been wondering… what if I have it backwards?What if I’m doing this wrong?What if I’m being invited, in this season, not to swing back to the extreme I came from, but to find equilibrium? To return to the basics. To the elementary things. Prayer. Meditation. Scripture. Presence. Purpose. Letting go of what is temporary and fixing my attention on what is eternal.“Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you.” I don’t want to romanticize the past or return to self-abandonment. But I do feel an invitation to re-center. To ask what it would look like to live from the inside out again.How does that work practically, day to day, as someone with a corporate job and a growing business? I don’t have those answers yet. But I know where to start.I’m going to start praying again. Intentionally.Because maybe, just maybe, the path to the material life I’ve been chasing runs through the spiritual life I’ve been postponing. Maybe it’s true that when I seek first the kingdom, the rest follows.And if it doesn’t, maybe I won’t care.Maybe fulfillment at the level of the spirit changes what we need from the world.I don’t know. But I wanted to leave this here with you, because I’m certain I’m not the only one standing in this tension.With love,ADL